Regards, Mother
by Brandyllyn
Summary: Snape is a far cry from a Mamma’s Boy. Of course, with this woman for a mother, who would be? A series of letters.
1. September 1991

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_Note: Anything with these symbols # # to either side read as having been crossed out. _

_Spoilers? - Currently Philosopher's Stone and Chamber of Secrets, some very minor points from Books 3-6 (names mostly), but nothing that would spoil the books in any way whatsoever._

* * *

28 September 1991 

Severus,

While I both understand and empathise with your feelings towards Mr. Potter, I'm afraid that I cannot condone the course of action you are contemplating undertaking. For starters, the Headmaster would be sure to notice the absence of one of his students, and most especially the absence of this one. Secondly, despite your assurances that the feat may be accomplished without implicating yourself in any way, I find that your track record in this department does not support this claim. Need I remind you of the 'Puffskein Incident'?

Finally, and by far the most important, no son of mine will dispatch of his enemies through such an underhanded method as a poison. It is beneath you and not fitting of the noble blood that runs in your veins. Use your wand like God intended you to and perhaps you'll bring some long overdue honour upon the family name.

As for your father he is still quite ill, in spite of the potion you sent over. That was… kind of you. However, given your attitude towards that man, I feel I should also point out that he is no worse off either. Your pledge that 'Despite everything (and here I shall edit a bit, you should really try to curb those violent outbursts you know)he is your father' aside, I would consider you quite high on the list of people who might wish the man harm. Perhaps I was mistaken. I suppose we shall see in the long run.

Thank you for asking after my garden, it is doing quite well. Well, that is partially true at least. Whatever it was that you so carefully sent over during the summer with instructions that it be planted in the southern corner has progressively devoured its neighbours and is now threatening my gardening shed. I would appreciate it if you could find it in yourself to remedy this situation - or failing that - inform me how to. While it is quite a lovely plant, I worry that it might be after the house next.

Regards,  
_Mother_

_

* * *

__Author's Note: Since several people have asked, I have absolutely no intention of writing the Snape letters. I have several reasons for this, first amongst them being that these were always intended to be one-sided. I would like to add that most of the fun of these is imagining what Snape could have said to provoke the responses he is getting, and my writing it takes that away. Personally, I think a fic consisting of Snape's letters home would be fantastic… but it's not for me. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone.__  
_


	2. October 1991

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K.Rowling_.

* * *

18 October 1991

Severus,

While the method you prescribed to cure my vegetation problem may in fact work, it requires getting within range of those many writhing tentacles your little pet has sprouted. Since I am reasonably sure that the darling little monster devoured Mrs Jenkins' cat yesterday (I am suspicious of its actions regarding the Hendricks' Augrey as well, there is a rather suspect amount of feathers visible within its demesne), you'll understand if I am hesitant to put myself into their reach. Perhaps, as the devoted son you claim to be, you could bestir yourself to visit the familial homestead and take care of the problem yourself.

I feel I should also point out that you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time thinking about Mr. Potter; and no, for reasons that should be patently obvious, I shall not bow to your wish that he be referred to as 'That Boy Who Shall Not Be Named'. While righteous fury is all well and good, I believe that there are far healthier outlets for this anger of yours than a child who isn't possibly a match for you either physically or intellectually (Having never met Mr. Potter, I am reluctantly giving you the benefit of the doubt on intellectually). As a more acceptable manifestation of this rage, perhaps you should see whether that werewolf you knew is still skulking about. Surely he could offer you some of the comforting pain and humiliation you crave so much to give.

On that note, how is St Mungo's treating Rupert these days? Poor Gladys was positively devastated when he resigned his post as the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. I didn't have the heart to tell her the role you played in his retirement. As your mother, I feel it my duty to inform you that the correct pronunciation of the Butterfly Charm is 'ar-bo-NA-les-ta'. And may I note that your repeated protestations that you did not intend to loose the horde of wasps on the man would be far more believable if the two spells had even a passing resemblance to one another. Not to mention that the very image of you performing a Butterfly Charm is laughable.

Do try not to maim this year's pick, dear.

Regards,  
_Mother_

P.S. You forgot your father's birthday. Again.


	3. November 1991

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

20 November 1991 

Severus,

The wards around Hogwarts must be growing quite lax if a troll managed to pass them. I find it odd that in light of this, you chose to concentrate your vehemence on what seems to be an entirely separate event. I must admit, being bitten by a dog does not have the life and death feel that your letter was so clearly trying to impart. I do trust that you have succeeded in having the owner soundly reprimanded and the beast put down. Once they have the taste of human flesh, you can never trust the creatures again.

And no, I do not believe that it is fair that Mr. Potter has already been named to the Quidditch team. I simply chose to ignore your obvious vehemence in my last letter in order to show you how little such trifles matter in the greater scheme of things. With any luck, he'll be knocked off his broom by a bludger and you'll be rid of him for good. There, does that make you feel better? Really, sometimes I wonder about you, honestly I do.

Your Aunt Gertrude (thank Merlin, no relation of mine) in Boston has yet again sent us a turkey for 'Thanksgiving'. No matter how many times I have attempted to explain the disparity of culture to her, she insists on doing this every November. Your father tells me to leave well enough alone since the fowl is usually enough to feed us for the better part of a fortnight. I, however, believe that catering to that madwoman with her altogether ridiculous birds is inviting trouble. I wonder if I could convince her to send a nice goose for Christmas instead?

Speaking of Christmas, have you given any thought to coming home, or do you plan on staying shut up at Hogwarts as you have for these last half a dozen years? I do not wish to pressure you into something you might rather not do, but with your father's condition this might very well be the last Christmas we have to spend together. Given that fact, it is entirely appropriate that you be here as well.

Regards,  
_Mother_

P.S. As for the carnivorous beast, that spell worked fine, but I find that I would much rather be rid of the thing entirely rather than having it confined to its corner. Is it truly that important that I keep it? And why can't you grow it in one of the Hogwarts greenhouses?


	4. December 1991

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

December 1991

The Snape Family Wishes

You a Happy Christmas

and Best Wishes on the Solstice.

_Mr & Mrs Tobias Snape_

It would be delightful to see you this holiday Severus

* * *

28 December 1991

I see you have decided not to join us this holiday.

_Mother _


	5. January 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling. _

* * *

28 January 1991 

Severus,

I was not referring to, as you so eloquently put it, 'that furball we set loose on you as a child', when I spoke of dogs turning against their owners. Sparkles was an entirely gentle creature. It was only your predisposition towards performing 'experiments' on the poor dear that led to his violent nature. A detail that can be readily proven by the fact that Sparkles was only ever hostile towards you.

In regards to the enquiry in you last letter, I feel I should point out that you're thinking about your Uncle Fitz. I admit that he can be a bit… eccentric - I'm sure he had only your best interests in mind when he sent you those 'Squib's Guide' books. You really can't expect too much from the man, he's spent the better part of his life working with Quintapeds in Scotland, that's enough to drive any man a little mad. No, Cousin Hugin (or is it Munin? Not that it matters, I suppose, their own mother couldn't tell them apart…) is the one who sends you garishly coloured socks for your birthday. As a child, I made you wear them, but I would be curious to know what you do with them now that you're an adult.

Anyhow, it was your Uncle Fitz who bought you your first snitch. I wonder why you bring it up, you have never been a fan of Quidditch the way other boys your age were.

By the by, if staying at school was mandatory, then why did I see Ermentrude in Kent on Boxing Day? Is she perhaps exempt from this little rule? Or does it only apply to Potions Masters with Mothers crying themselves to sleep at night worrying for them?

In closing, while I concede your point that your father is a hardy soul who will likely outlive us all; it does not change the fact that this makes the seventh Christmas you have spent at Hogwarts rather than at home. A less loving soul than I might think you didn't enjoy our company.

Regards,  
_Mother_


	6. February 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

19 February 1992 

Severus,

I resent the implication that I am incapable of tears. While 'crying myself to sleep' may have been a slight exaggeration, I assure you that I feel a distinct prickling in my left eye when I think of how long it has been since you last set foot at home.

Is it too much to hope that you were not alone this St. Valentine's Day? While I personally could not understand the attraction a human female might feel towards you, surely there is someone in this world willing to put up with your distemper and meagre looks in order to procreate (it is a shame you inherited your father's looks and not my own). I want grandchildren Severus. However miserably I failed with you, a few offspring on your part would not go amiss towards helping me correct this mistake. Perhaps rather than spending so much time cooped up in your dungeon, snarling at any who dare to intrude (yes, I do still correspond with Minerva on occasion), you might try attending some social events. While finding a lineage such as mine might prove futile, there are plenty of pureblooded witches out there who might marry a half-breed such as yourself. Do not make the same mistake I did. Marry within the society dear, you'll be much happier in the long run for it.

On another note, I am beginning to wonder about the addition you made to my garden and are so vehement that I not harm in any way. Daniel … you remember Daniel don't you dear? He brought over that Starlight 100 for you when you were a child… Anyway, Daniel came by and said he was certain that it was some breed of syriaca, which I told him was a daft idea as syriaca are obviously quite dangerous and you would never seek to grow one despite its many potions uses. And even if you were to, you would certainly not do so in your parent's back yard. That being said, it would be nice to be able to tell people what it is, so any information on it would be well-received.

Regards,  
_Mother_

P.S. While the oversight on your part towards the date of your father's birth was… understandable, another oversight of my own could have disastrous consequences for you. Consider yourself forewarned.


	7. March 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K Rowling_

* * *

I BEG YOUR PARDON? 

You made me plant that monster in my own garden? Are you mad? #What on earth could possibly# #What could you# What were you thinking?

By the great Circe, I swear it Severus, if that thing is not gone by the end of the week I'll report you to the Ministry. Don't think that your being my son will save you.

_Mother_


	8. April 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

4 April 1992 

Severus,

I suppose I should thank you for the prompt removal of that thing from my garden. The House Elves were very polite about the whole matter and I think only a scant few of them suffered any injury as a result of that monster's violent tendencies.

I shall refrain from mentioning here the shame you should feel to have put myself and your father in the kind of danger you did with that stunt. I am also quite certain that you don't feel even a hint of remorse for your actions - and are in fact quite smug in your handling of the issue. I shall refrain from mentioning the many laws you broke - specifically Ministry regulations regarding controlled arboreal inhabitants. I shall also refrain from telling you what an absolute idiot you would have to be to think for a moment that you could have gotten away with such a foolish stunt. This is all information I am sure you're aware of, and thus I shall - as I said - refrain from mentioning it. Perhaps we should put this whole incident behind us.

My son, the moron.

On that subject, Minerva could not help but gloat that Gryffindor is well on its way to winning the House Cup this year. You do understand that I will never hear the end of it if this comes to pass? I am sure you have a whole host of ways to deduct points without seeming to favour Slytherin (not that this matters, but a guise of impartiality should always be held in mind), so I expect you to use them to their best advantage.

So how does Mr Potter in his classes? I have been wondering for some time if Mr Potter will measure up to the name he so unwittingly made for himself. Mr Potter has a lot to live up to. And yes, in case you were wondering, I was seeing how many times I could use the phrase 'Mr Potter' in such a short space. You do know that this hatred you bear him is more than a bit unreasonable… don't you?

Regards,  
_ Mother_


	9. May 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling_

* * *

14 May 1992 

Severus,

Whilst the underlying theory you posit is sound - and I would add that the idea of causing dishonour to the Weasley line gives me a pleasant feeling and causes the corners of my mouth to curve upwards in a most unnatural way - I am certain that Molly would notice the absence of a pair of her sons, no matter how many she has or how unlikely she is to miss them. Although I admit you were provoked beyond all reasoning, you will simply have to bear it. And of course award them detentions for the duration of their stay at Hogwarts.

I am surprised you mentioned Mildred. You were never very fond of her and I have specific memories of you hiding in various places throughout the old house to escape from her. She is as well as can be expected, although she still spends far too much time in the bottle if you take my meaning.

I suppose I should enquire how your upkeep of the old house is coming. I'm not entirely certain anyone even remembers Spinners End was there before the First War, nevertheless that we once owned a home there. Why you would desire to own a home so far from the remainder of mankind escapes me - other than your natural distrust of the human race that is. There is a lovely cottage just down the road from where your parents are living in Sussex (it has been so long since you visited that I'm not certain you even remember where we live) that would do you very well. It even has its own ready-made garden in which you can grow your own man-eating vegetation. Just think, a carnivorous monster of you very own.

Bitter? Me? Never.

Speaking of, you know full and well that I support your decision to stand in hatred to James Potter and Sirius (may he rot in the furthest reaches of Hell - or barring that, Azkaban) Black. I always have. I was not attacking your stance on the basis of your vehemence, but rather its current execution. Frankly, I feel it's unhealthy.

Regards,  
_Mother_


	10. June 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_

* * *

_

12 June 1992

Severus,

I must first say that I am performing this task against my will and without regard to my own self-interest. I do it at the behest of your father whom I am loathe to upset right now. I am to tell you he would like his copy of Sunshine & Daffodils back. I ask you spare me your charming protests that your possession of it was purely accidental. By whatever means you came by it matters not. Of course, you have had it nearly ten years now, and some might wonder why you would continue to hold on to a book of such dubitable social value. I make no judgements mind you, but very few outside the population of seventh year female Hufflepuffs truly enjoy such twaddle. Well, them and your father that is.

While I am thinking of it, I was attempting to brew a #wa# certain potion day before last and had the rather unfortunate experience of the entire concoction exploding with a smell I can only describe as godawful. Any idea as to what might have gone wrong? Or were your years as an apprentice wasted? It seems to me that…

Oh dear, your father is repeating his insistence that you return that horrible book. I don't know what has got him in such a mood, one would think he had only recently discovered its absence when in fact hardly a day goes by when he doesn't make some mention of its loss. It occurs to me that it is from him that you must get this stubborn streak of yours to hold grudges well past their expiry date. You certainly never received such a horrible flaw from me.

Please do refrain from using one of the school owls for your reply this time around. The last one made rather a mess on the sitting room sofa. Deplorable, really, I don't know who is training these animals. And he seemed so… forthright about it all. One might almost think he'd been doing it deliberately.

#Regards# Happy Birthday Severus  
_Mother_


	11. July 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_

* * *

_

11 July 1992

Severus,

While I suppose I do understand that policy prevents you from disclosing all the many goings on at Hogwarts, you simply cannot expect me to give you accurate commentary without full facts. I gather that something has happened to upset you, and this something, as usual, involved Mr Potter. However, I simply cannot make sense of anything else from you garbled cacophony of expletives and prepositions. I did manage to extrapolate that - possibly due to the above event - Gryffindor won the House Cup. I wonder if that was enough to upset you to the point of vehemence your letter found you in? Certainly you don't set that much store in so paltry a contest. Remember it is Slytherin that will win in the end.

I suppose it would be useless to point out that if you failed every Gryffindor in your purview as you proposed in your last missive, someone, notably Minerva, would be sure to notice. You could try feeding a few to Hrothgar - his mother had quite a reputation when I was a student there. At least then you would have a (slightly) plausible excuse for their untimely demise. Actually, given the Ministry's inability to police or prosecute a mundane animal, you could likely rid yourself of all your enemies in such a way.

Just a thought.

I must say that your lack of involvement in this year's Defence professor's leaving - another titbit I gathered from your nearly incomprehensible letter - heartens me. At least I will have something to appease Gladys with the next time she accuses me of raising a sociopath. (ar-bo-NA-les-ta)

Many thanks for using that rather nice brown owl for your last missive. He didn't make nearly the mess as the last one, although he did give your father quite a fright.

Regards,  
_ Mother_


	12. No date provided, presumably early July

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_

* * *

_

YOUR MOTHER WAS BORN ON THE EIGHTEENTH OF JULY_...hiss...crackle...smoke..._


	13. August 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_

* * *

_

22 August 1992

Severus,

Another year at Hogwarts. I can hear the note of panic filtering into your tone already. The summers get shorter every year do they not? Any word yet on who the new Defence professor will be? I must say I am rather resentful that you won't tell me the actual reason the last left. The Prophet's notice that Quirenius Quirrell had left for 'personal reasons' merely whets my appetite for the truth. Did he perhaps find teaching too challenging? Perhaps he was not prepared for the work involved. Or perhaps despite your insistences otherwise, you did some irreparable damage to the poor soul. I wouldn't put it past you.

I am glad you finally responded to my enquiry regarding my failed potion. And while I do not believe that quite so much sarcasm on your part was called for (really, where did you pick up such deplorable social skills?), I also have no desire to tell you exactly what type of concoction I was attempting for myself. Surely for a Potion's master such as yourself, the identification of what went wrong in my brewing can be surmised simply from the final effects. Perhaps I have overestimated the extent of your education.

The set of calming potions you sent me for my birthday was generous - if slightly worrying. Surely you don't believe I become overworked all that often, you sent me enough to last several years. I suppose I should simply be content you remembered the date at all.

Oh, when I mentioned that that owl gave your father a fright, I simply mean that it flew perilously near to him on its way across the breakfast table. Strangely enough, it had to make quite a detour to do so, but one never knows with owls. I find it hard to believe they are as bright as everyone seems to think. Of course, they are quite adept at delivering messages, but any decent homing pigeon could do the same thing.

Regards,  
_Mother_


	14. September 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

20 September 1992 

My dear, darling Severus,

How exciting it must be for you to be working with such a marvellous and handsome man as Gilderoy Lockhart. I hope you have been paying ample attention to him and his methods. You could do far worse than to model you behaviour on one so charming. Perhaps if you had showed half as much panache for the Defence position as Prof. Lockhart shows for… well, everything… then it would not have evaded your grasp for so long. I think we must all count ourselves lucky you were never appointed to that post, for what would the wonderful Prof. Lockhart have done had you already possessed the Defence position? I can only imagine that headmaster Dumbledore would have seen the inherent fallacy of this situation and returned you to your position teaching Potions. Although I wonder if perhaps Gilderoy would not be better suited to that as well? In his years in Bulgaria he (rather impressively) fended of seventeen poltergeists while simultaneously making an exorcism potion. I'm sure his mother is quite proud of him.

There was no need to send me that clipping from the 'Daily Prophet'. I receive my own copy and must say I was as appalled by the story as you were. (Although I did not, as you did, see the need to scribble so voraciously across the photo until the occupants were forced to peer around the markings in order to be made out at all.) I hope you were suitably harsh on that Potter boy for that flying car stunt. I mean really, children today with their music and their dancing and their flying cars.

I hope you will convey my admiration to Prof. Lockhart and both your father and myself look forward to taking you up on the invitation to visit this Yuletide. Perhaps if we are lucky we will have the opportunity to meet the illustrious man. I'm certain he more than lives up to his public image.

Loving and tender regards,  
_Mother_


	15. October 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

* * *

18 October 1992 

Neither dear nor darling Severus,

Don't get stroppy with me young man. The tone of your last letter was quite uncalled for. I have half a mind to travel to Hogwarts and curse some sense into you. I most certainly did not purposely send that letter to Prof. Lockhart. I must have simply been thinking of him when I addressed it. Please convey my apologies, I certainly never meant for him to read this old lady's ramblings on his person. (And if you must know, I read about the poltergeist incident in Gadding with Ghouls. And, no, I was not present for the occurrence. But I have absolutely no reason to doubt its veracity. You should learn to be a bit more trusting.)

And I know you extended no invitation for us to stay with you at Christmas. But I also know you meant to and thus I have taken the liberty of accepting it. You should be happy that your mother takes it upon herself to make your life easier by denying you the need to extend your own invitations. Your utter lack of social grace would mean that you would have absolutely no company - at Christmas or otherwise. And even you must agree that that would be a bad thing.

Louise – of the Hendricks down the road, you remember don't you? They have that beautiful black poplar growing in their front garden – I believe I remember you stealing some bark from it once – has apparently received a rather disturbing owl from her son. He's just started his first year at Hogwarts and, to hear him tell it, you have been an absolute monster to him. While I am not one to disparage or condone your teaching methods, Louise's voice is rather shrill and I would much prefer not to have to spend much time in the future listening to her disparage my only son's character.

Regards,  
_Mother_

P.S. For the record, I will be at Hogwarts this Christmas come hell or high water. Rampaging lethifolds could not keep me away.  
P.P.S. Is October 3rd such a truly difficult date to remember? Your father will begin to think you do not like him at all.


	16. November 1992

_Disclaimer: Characters and events are the property of J.K. Rowling._

_A/N: Wow guy, I'm so sorry, I thought I'd updated in August (of course, I had nothing written, so that should have been a big clue). My bad. Not that August would have rained on the "I never update" parade, but at least it would have kept it from being a year since the last one. Again, my bad. And I'm sorry. I do have a set plan for these, and they do not involve suddenly stopping. There will be definite closure. It may take me ten years to accomplish, but I'm up for it if you are.  
_

* * *

21 November 1992

Severus,

I simply do not understand you vehemence. You hate cats. A lot. You'd harvest them all for potions ingredients given half a chance. In fact, I have specific memory of your attempts to train Sparkles as some sort of feline attack dog. So this begs the question, why would injury to that dreadful old mog make you feel in any way upset? What aren't you telling me Severus?

On a much more joyful note, your father and I have commenced our plans for Christmas. As it stands, we shall be arriving on the 23rd of December at four pm promptly. We shall be flooing into the Three Broomsticks, but I fully expect that you will not allow you dear mother to wait for long in the festering cesspool of human filth. As for our stay: Your father and I shall of course be using the guest chambers adjoining your own - we are, of course, there for a visit. And if you take another 'urgent business trip' to Poland or any other place during our visit, I shall #never speak to you again# endeavour with the help of Minerva to make your life a true testament to the wrath of a woman scorned. Think on that before you engage in any stunts like the last time.

I suppose I should inquire as to what you desire for Christmas. I have already found the rarest and most lovely copy of Magisterium Malachi for the dear Headmaster and know he will simply adore it. Minerva will of course be getting the imported coffee from Guatemala. So, what it is you desire dear? Keep in mind, money is tight – what with your father's recent downturn and all.

Of course, you'd already know about that if you took the slightest bit of interest in his well-being.

Regards,  
_Mother_

_  
What on earth is going on up there? I just heard a student has been attacked as well! Severus, you must tell me everything. If I arrive at the Witches Weekly Wednesday without the latest on-dit from Hogwarts, the damage to my social standing shall be irreparable!_

_- M_


End file.
